You can’t change the other person, but you can change how you relate to the person. When you do this, you change how that person responds to you. This is the key to being effective in handling your situation.

Unfortunately, we seldom notice that we have anything to do with what is happening. All we can see is how the other person treats us. Then we treat the other person accordingly.

If we receive love and appreciation, we'll give love and appreciation. If we receive criticism and resentment, we'll give criticism and resentment. We treat the other person according to how that person treats us. The problem with this is that the other person is doing the same thing. That person treats you according to how you treat him or her.

When you treat each other based on how you get treated, you lose your ability to determine what will happen. You become reactive instead of proactive. When both individuals do this, the relationship falls apart. It's like sailing with no one at the helm. When no one is guiding the ship, you end up on the rocks.

The cycle of conflict

It's just a matter of time until someone gets upset. Then that person puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks, or withdraws. Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing in return. Then the first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.

Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict -- a cycle of resisting, attacking, and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then continues on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the problem. Sides get drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified. Distance grows and the experience of love disappears.

This cycle of conflict brings out the worst in everyone. We hurt each other over and over, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is done and all of it is avoidable.

It only takes one person

The suffering is avoidable because it takes two people to create and maintain a cycle of conflict. It only takes one person to end it. The cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. It's back and forth, back and forth. As soon as one person refuses to return the serve, the game is over.

You end the conflict by putting water on the fire instead of more fuel. Every time you interact with someone, you will either create love or destroy it, and whatever you give will come right back.

So put the focus on healing your relationship, not as husband and wife, but as one human being to another. As you do this, you end the conflict. Cooperation replaces resentment and issues get resolved. You become free inside and life becomes a lot more enjoyable.

The process of healing your relationship is relatively easy once you know how. This site will walk you through the steps. As you work with the various sections and do what they say, you will notice immediate results in your relationship. You may still get a divorce, but at least you can part as friends.

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